The good: I was released from the hospital last night around 6:30pm after demonstrating I am not an idiot and know how to administer my Lovenox shots. Well duh. I've been taking them faithfully for the last 3 months.

Dr. Bitch as I'll call her, was my attending physician Tuesday; she treated me like I was stupid in general; the discharge directions included when to take Coumadin (daily for the next 6 months) 10mg, and NO GETTING PREGNANT DURING THAT TIME. I am on Lovenox only for the next two days, and then just straight Coumadin with bi-weekly blood tests.

Okay - the WHOLE reason I ended up in the hospital is because I was not put on the right dosage of Lovenox after the DnC back in November. I should NOT be the one who is punished. I find that it f*cking PISSES me OFF that they are messing with my reproductive rights because of THEIR screw up.

Yes, I have strong feelings about this. I am willing to compromise though - I called both Dr. Ney the perinatologist and Dr. Weinshel the Hematologist to discuss terms. Dr. Weinshel is willing possibly to compromise, but I have to go see him or his NP/PA in two weeks. I'd be willing to wait 3 months, or even 4 months. But a whole 6 months just seems stupid. At this rate, Alli is going to be 7 years old before there's a baby (or twins heh!) born. C'mon! It's soon or never. Dave's not getting any younger, either - he'll be 38 in October. I told him just today that his swimmers are old and dying quicker every day. He laughed, but he knows I'm right!

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I walked in the door last night - Alli didn't know I was coming home - and she raced down the stairs to tackle her Mommy. It was the sweetest and best hug EVER. It made me realize - again - how lucky I am. And how much my family loves me. Heck, Dave even cleaned the cat box for me. That is a major deal in our house.

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And so, Dr. Bitch released me to return to work today. I even kinda sorta asked to be released back on Thursday, but she said "You're able bodied, aren't you?" And idiot me, I responded with "Yes, I'm able bodied". Seriously, how can you explain to a stranger that being hospitalized exhausts you and you really aren't sure if you even have clean clothes to wear to work tomorrow because you were in the hospital over the weekend???!!! You just don't go there with someone who already treats you like an idiot.

So, I went to work today. Friends greeted me, I received hugs and well-wishes, a new plant, and a nice "Welcome Back" balloon. It's nice to feel the love. Now, dear reader, I head to bed as I am beyond exhausted and just want to get some good rest. Did I mention that to top everything off, the crimson tide decided to begin today? Yep, you got it.

I cried like a little girl this Tuesday morning.

You want to know what brought down me, a 263 pound woman who's endured countless lab stabs and blood draws in the last decade...?

It was the thought that they had to put a NEW IV site in. Of all things.

A nice IV nurse, Marge, came in, took one look at the IV site and asked me if it hurt. Of course I'm going to say "no, it's fine" with a smile on my face when it took them 4 pokes to get it in in the first place.

She shook her head and said because my arm was a bit puffy, it meant they needed to do another IV; the current site was shot as the Heparin had infiltrated the tissue around my vein.

I cried. Silently at first as big, fat tears fell. I sobbed brokenly, but quietly as Marge looked on sadly. She knew what trauma her appearance would bring; she told me later she made alot of people cry without ever meaning to and was sorry for it.

She brought the IV accoutrements in and starting talking to me. Within seconds I felt a small poke and in another 5 seconds she was done. She secured it, apologized, and we talked for a few minutes more.

I found out why I had to endure the multiple punctures that I did the night I came into the ER. Marge filled me in: Apparently the hospital cut the budget and they were no longer offering IV Nurses from 11pm to 7am. All IV Nurses from that shift have either be reassigned or laid off. This is a bad thing.

However, it's over now. I have a new IV site, am still getting Heparin, and I think I don't have another lab stab until tomorrow morning.

They let me shower this morning; I was still hooked up to the IV though. It was a funny sight I'm sure, watching me walking to the shower, with the infusion machine in front of me. No, they aren't waterproof, unfortunately.

Roommate #2 was my most favorite hospital roommate EVER, so far.

Talk about a spitfire! We were up talking until 3:30 in the morning on topics ranging from cancer to food, politics to health issues, to lab draws (or 'lab stabs' as I like to call them now).

Our nurse, Molly, would come in and get really involved in the conversations. We even learned at one point what a 'code 21' was for room 608. Apparently it means someone isn't too happy and needs to be restrained due to threatening physical violence. Yikes.

By the time we were done cackling and giggling, our room was nicknamed 'the party room' because the nurses would come in and visit and giggle with us about whatever we were talking about.

And then we were woken up around 6am for the lab guy.

And then we fell back asleep for another couple hours after breakfast.

Shortly after I'd finished eating, the surgeon came in for my roommate; within 20 minutes they decided they were going to perform the operation to draw out the fluid surrounding her lungs and then some.

We called to each other from across the hallway as they wheeled her away to surgery: "It's been a pleasure! Good luck!"

Apparently her surgery went well, and she is now on the 3rd floor - the 'surgical floor'.

And now...I am alone.

And so I surf the internet, praying to the Goddesses and Gods that I get to go home tomorrow. I won't know though until after they do my 7:30 am lab stab to draw for my INR numbers -- they want it between 2 and 2.5 -- yesterday it was 1.37. Yeah, not so good.

Dave and I were curling up in bed late Friday night when I realized I couldn't get comfortable and it hurt more than usual to breathe, with a pulling sensation crossing my left side of my chest.

Chest pain.

ER.

Again, images of a week spent in the hospital flashed in front of my eyes.

Dave prodded me; we should just go.

In the ER, the docs decided to perform a CT or Cat scan to view my lungs and any major arteries. It took the poor ER nurse guy, John, 4 tries to find a good vein that was close enough to my heart. According to John and Courtney, the imaging tech, it has to be nearest to my heart as possible for the injectable dye to get where it needs to go.

I made it back to the ER room #12 and waited. Dave and Alli came to check on me a couple times. Around 3:30 am Saturday morning Dr. Sherri came to me and said they had found a suspicious mass on my lung that they were going to be determining to be a clot ... aka pulmonary embolism.

They immediately started Heparin via IV and I've been hooked up ever since.

My breathing has gotten easier, and the clot in my leg has already dissolved - no leg pain whatsoever. In the grand scheme of things, I am not as bad off as others.

My first roommate came in about an hour after I was settled - about 5am. In her lat 30s, she was a nice lady with Lupus and extreme depression. Most of Saturday night we spent talking about my sister's Lupus and how this lady could follow through and make herself better physically and emotionally. It was sad - by the end of her stay, Sunday morning, she was begging and demanding mental health help and was told that she had already been discharged according to her doctors and she was to follow outpatient care orders with her regular physicians.

I'll let you know how my second roommate works out - she sounds like fun. They just brought her in - she has lung cancer, has had a double mastectomy due to breast cancer, and is currently on oxygen --- she works as a secretary at the House of Reps in Minneapolis.

So all in all, I'm okay and in love with the chicken noodle soup here. There's always an upside.

Alli and her fever/cough/congestion... Dave and his own cough...

Gods bless Dave, who even though he felt like shite, took care of Alli all day long, making it through the numerous calls I'd make to check on Alli, to make sure he had given her lunch, taken her temperature, etc.

As soon as I walked in the door each night this week, Dave would mumble a few sentences and stumble upstairs to pass out in bed - yes, that's how sick he is/was. And me, after stressing out all day long, came home to a tired, cranky Alli who sounded like she was hacking up a lung, and took care of her until she finally passed out between 7 and 10pm. Only to wake her up again around 11pm or midnight to take her temperature and give her medicine as needed. I got less than 5 hours for a few nights. Standard fare and far better than other parents with multiple sick children, I'm sure.

On Thursday night I couldn't take the waiting anymore - and Alli had started to complain about her ear hurting. We waited over an hour and a half to spend about 5 minutes with Dr Bearmon - great bedside manner with Alli, making her giggle. I'm sure he appreciated the respite from seeing sicker patients in Urgent Care for the few minutes he was with us; said her lungs were clear, hear inner ears red. A nice pharmacist filled a prescription for amoxicillian to treat her symptoms, and we were on our way home.

It's now been 2 days since then and while the amoxicillian has made difference in her ear infection he diagnosed, her cough still remains. I know, I know... it's the flu.We all deal with it. My friend in Arizona, Stacy, said to submerge said child in Epsom salts to help draw out the 'toxins'. We'll try that next time. Panic makes you reach for known cures - current elixirs, mass produced, with proven results.

I'm going to go take a nap now.

Dave and I are getting old. We realized this last night as we tried to stay up until midnight. I must say, we did amuse ourselves by watching VH1 - I love the 80's. Wow. Who didn't love Monchichis and mesh shirts? I did however feel a bit gipped as the Frugal Gourmet was mentioned in 'information' listing of the last of the 4 hours we watched of I love the 80's and yet... it wasn't shown in the actual show.Who cares about Jeff Smith anyways right? News Story Here

Sure, he may have been mediocre... but he and the lady who did the Italian show on PBS were two of my favorite shows to watch when I was a kid. Sad, huh? lol

After I love the 80's we decided to subject ourselves to the History of Sex on the History Channel. Riveting. Absolutely mind bending. No, really, I'm kidding. It really just focused on the fact in colonial America, children were conceived and slept in the same beds as those parents that were trying to conceive more children. Ew. Gotta stay warm somehow, right? Blech.

We also learned more about 'courtly love' - that worked real well with Guinevere and Lancelot. And the ability that priests and fathers in different faiths had to marry while serving the church. According to what we were watching Martin Luther not only encouraged sex between a married couple was to be pleasurable as well as procreative -- but he married a nun and they had 7 kids. Go figure.

To summarize Dave's response: Most of the wars of the world could be prevented if people were 'gettin' some. Too true.

Midnight came soon enough. We yawned our way through the ball dropping on ABC/CBS. Then he made me watch Metalocalypse on Adult Swim. Mind you dear reader, I do like Adult Swim - ATHF is one of my favorites and I actually know all the lyrics to their theme song. Again, sad. Oh yay! As I'm typing this Dave discovered Adult Swim on demand. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH....*ahem* Anyways... Metalocalypse was...err.. different. One of the guys is actually the voice of Brak (From The Brak Show) - and of course it's always the one that's drawn the ugliest.

Honestly, we don't spend much time down in the family room watching TV; that's why it seems so noteworthy to mention when we do. What I can really be thankful for is DVR - It's fun watching two Grey's Anatomy in a row, followed by a few Veronica Mars to catch up, and then heading onto Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

We went to bed around 1am, with Alli coming into our room about 4am, saying she didn't feel good. The poor thing had a fever of 102.4. Immediately springing to 'mommy mode' grabbed the motrin and gave the appropriate dose and tucked her back into bed. Poor little pumpkin has had a cough since Friday and it's just gotten worse; today was the first day she actually had a fever.

Monitoring her every few hours today, giving her lots of fluids and a couple of warm showers to make her comfortable, her spirits were exceedingly good and she wanted to jump around and play her guitar. Luckily she allowed me to take care of her and rested a lot today.

I'm hoping that she'll be good for Dave this week as I head back to work after a week off. One can only pray. :)

Christmas was a blur of activity. We left for Sandstone on Sunday morning, hit Kas and Charlie's house and spent some time with them, and unloaded a few presents. Afterwards we headed to my parents and had a nice afternoon talking, eating cheeses we'd brought for them to try. That evening we ate tamales (awesome!) and played some gin rummy cards. It was actually pretty nice and normal compared to the tension and bitterness of the past.

My sister died in a car accident the weekend before Thanksgiving 2003. This was truly the first Christmas my parents had celebrated in 3 years. They actually put up the tree, and it was loaded with presents for Alex and Alli. Of course, we opened the presents in the Hawaiian room - where my sister's ashes are being held captive. *l* I have to laugh about it. She wanted to have her ashes spread off the coast of Oahu. My uncle John was supposed to take the ashes back with him after the services in 2003, but mom couldn't or wouldn't let go of the ashes. So yes, I call it being held captive. *L*

Alli was spoiled as usual with presents - but not too spoiled. She got her Fisher Price digital camera, her creepy Baby Alive (from Santa), her easel from Grandma and Grumps, a guitar from her uncle Alex that's just big enough for her. :) There were numerous other things from auntie Kathleen - a HUGE coloring pad of Strawberry Shortcake, new crayons and some cool new nutcrackers from Kas's sister, Lori - Grandma Linda and Grandpa Gary got Alli a beach time Barbie and some sets of clothes - time to get Alli a Barbie carrying case. heh.

After weeks of me pestering Dave and him telling me he'll answer my questions but they may not be true answers, discussing this with the gals at work and coming to the conclusion it just had to, had to be a ring, being circular and silver - the only two answers of which I could be sure. Yeah. No. *L* When he let me unwrap my pressies on Yule, the 21st of December, I found out it was a Time Turner - like the one from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Which is something I wanted for a very long time - however, not as much as a ring, which I had talked myself into believing is what the present was. Oy. Teaches me never to play a guessing game about my pressies EVER again. Poor Dave was upset because I felt let down - between he and I, we royally screwed with our own heads. *L*

I DO love my Time Turner though. :) Sterling silver, it really stands out. And .... I finally got my POT RACK! WOOHOO!! Eventually it will be put up - it's a suhhweeeeeett black metal half pot rack. Dave said he found a place for it. We'll see. It may have to wait until we have a house of our own.

All in all, it was a good holiday ~ each one is a blessing. One can only hope that others have one that is just as good, or better.

Yeeehawww!
All of my shopping is done. Finito. Finis! With the exception of one package that has a personalized branding iron with the initials of my parents for when they barbeque (http://www.williams-sonoma.com)
outside during the winter.

My order from http://www.piratemod.com finally showed up. After nearly 5 weeks of waiting they included a 'bonus gift' - 2 pirate stickers and a temporary tattoo. Gee, thanks guys. After not returning my calls or my emails, you gave me a couple free things. Mind you, this is an order that I placed back in the first week of November.

I still however, suffer from my obsession with that Fur Real Butterscotch Pony according to Dave. *sigh*

I wish I would have known about it sooner, dammit. It even comes with instructions about how you shouldn't let the children see the animatronic pony without it being fully assembled. I guess it might be slightly traumatic to see your new moving pony... without it's head. heh.

Alli and I went to Target to pick up some last minute things for ... well, you know. Christmas. They had the pony actually on display. I kept thinking what a bad mom I am. To the tune of $250.00 you too can own a battery-sucking, animatronic pony that moves its eyes, head, tail, lips and makes real 'horsey' sounds. You can feed it the carrot that comes with it, and comb it with the pink curry brush included. It's going on Ebay right now for over $500.00 for those desperate souls.. or those parents with money to burn.

Dave says I'm obsessed. And maybe I am. It's hard to distinguish who wants to play with the pony more - her or me. *L*

I guess I still feel like I'm trying to make up for the past 6 years. Sure, this is Alli's first year with a Daddy... but my sister isn't here. So much has happened and she's grown so much. I just feel like I want her to have all the things I wanted as a kid- and yes, I, too, wanted a pony. :)But a black and white 13 inch tv that I could watch Smurfs and She-Ra on made the grade for me. *l*

We are gearing up to head to Sandstone on Christmas Eve late morning. We've been hemming and hawing a bit about when to open our family pressies at home - either after we get back from Sandstone, or before. Luckily Yule is December 21st, so we can plan a nice evening dinner on Thursday, enjoy our family time, and then spend crazy time with my folks and Kathleen, Charlie, and her family.

Ahh. The joys of family.

We arrived Saturday, hit Wally world on the way to exchange the FP3 player (yes, I know it's MP3, but Fisher Price is calling it the FP3 version for kids) we bought Alli for the Fisher Price Digital Camera - yes it's for kids and no, I don't expect the quality to be all that awesome - but at least I know she'll have fun with it. It'll help her with learning more about technology and yet, it's rough and tough enough to take any hits that happen.

We started baking around 1pm after I picked up Alex to visit with us/ the men (Dave and Charlie) and didn't stop until around 3am after doubling some recipes and tripling others making more than a few hundred cookies , and some anatomically correct gingerbread people. See pictures. hehehe

A good weekend as always with Kathleen, Charlie, and Dave and Alli with Alex visiting. :)

Oh. My. God.

Remind me not EVER to ask Dave to do a crafty project with me again.

Love the man like crazy, but he took TWO HOURS to attach individual sticks to make a pentagram, to a small wreath. TWO HOURS. *L*

He kept trying to make sure the sticks were as straight as they could. I kept telling him to just 'let the sticks be!' as it's more natural and gives it a more unfinished look. But NooOOOooooOOooooo... he kept trying to make them straight, and rearranged the sticks in various places to gauge the gaps here and there. Oy.

Instead of the three we had planned to make tonight, he completed ONE. I went upstairs to put Alli into the shower and get her ready for bed. I came down half an hour later and he was finally giving into Nature's plan and dutifully placing and securing each stick into whichever place it would fit. Pictures to come later.

I told you so, honey. :p Let Nature guide you.

I was wrapping presents for -who else - EVERYONE, when Dave happened to nose around and discover my box from Jelly Belly - I ordered a box of 12 individual boxes of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans (it includes earthworm, dirt, rotten egg, sardine, grass, amongst the normal flavors like buttered popcorn, cherry, green apple, etc.). Mr. Dave snarfed a box from my supply and proceeded to open and eat them.

The first one he ran into was rotten egg. LOL The look on his face was priceless! After trying about 3 of the several 'off' flavors, he slowly put the box down and vowed to never eat them again. I was laughing so hard; he said not to give them to Alli as a stocking stuffer - she might think she was getting them because she was naughty. LOL

In other news, I think I've finally finished my Christmas shopping. I can't say what I got certain people because they actually read this blog. *hears Mission Impossible music in the background* This message will self destruct in 5 seconds.... *l*

Well, it's new to me anyways - a 2003 Ford Windstar! Go ahead, tell me I've sold out to be a 'soccer mom'. Pfft. I'm so far from that it ain't even funny. lol

It all started a few weekends ago when I took Alli up to Sandstone to visit Kas and my folks. Kas's dad met us at the local car dealership - All Hail Arlen Krantz Ford Mercury Dealer! - and he had already picked out two cars on the lot for me to try out.

One being a 2000 Ford Explorer with 120,000 miles on it, was a 4x4 and had all KINDS of COOL bells and whistles. We drove that one first, the four of us - Kas, Alli, Gary, and myself. It was really neat - but was real stiff on the road. You felt all the bumps and it didn't seem to have alot of give for a smooth road.

We walked over and looked at some cars. I'm not too fond of them simply because I hate being low to the ground. It freaks me out for some reason. I would drive one if I had to, but .... ehh...

So we meandered over to the vans. There, parked first in the aisle was a 2003 Ford Windstar, in white, with a lame 'swoosh' of black on the sides. Hmm. 54,000 miles on it. Hmm. We took it out for a test drive. It drove like butter on a hot piece of toast! I still couldn't quite reconcile my leaving behind a four wheel drive vehicle. I've been a truck/suv gal most of my life. But I bit the bullet.

I gave Arlen the keys to my 1997 Blazer that had 121,000 miles on it and told him I was interested in the Windstar and what could he give me for it as a trade in. Within 20 minutes Arlen had come back from a test drive of my Blazer and was tallying figures. Mind you, I looked online at kellybluebook.com before even attempting to look at cars to see what top value I could expect - $3300 was the best for excellent condition, $3000 was for good, and $2700 was for fair condition. Arlen whipped out the paper and it showed he was willing to give me a trade in value on the van of $5600. HOLY BUCKETS. I just about peed my pants when I saw that. I looked at the rest of the calculations - I would only need a loan for $6000 instead of $8k-$10k. Whew.

Yes, I know it sounds too good to be true and I'll tell you why I think I got such a good deal: connections. heh. Kas's parents have been buying their vehicles from Arlen for the last 25 years. Seriously, this dealer was willing to give Gary the keys to any vehicle he wanted to have me test drive - Gary and Linda even offered to call Arlen to go get the van later that day as I was still arranging financing with a local bank as they don't do it for you at Arlen's. I was just stunned! It helps to know the right people in a small town - and it doesn't hurt that they care about me and my little family.

Kas's folks went so far as to take the van to be checked out by our local honest mechanic - Denny - who looked it over and pronounced it a sound and stable vehicle. Now of course, I trust Denny with any vehicle. He and his wife were friends with my sister Andrea and they wouldn't screw me over - they know how hard it's been for me and Denny has made every effort to help where he can with getting parts and things done on time on the Blazer.

Yes, Viriginia.... there are still good people in this world. And I'm lucky enough to be sharing Thanksgiving with just a handful of them tomorrow.

I LOVE MY VAN!
One draw back though: There is no decal in the world that can make a mommy-mobile van look cool. *sigh*

This year and last year are going to be somewhat similar. Last year we shared Thanksgiving with Kathleen's folks - just me and Alli because Dave hadn't moved here yet. I still remember Kas and I turning onto the road to her parents and seeing the Horseman brothers (twin brothers who have their own logging company) pull up and park at her parents house - their logging machine (a HUGE ass crane) being towed behind their heavy duty 4x4. Talk about a small town. I guess it's considered polite to bring your own equipment to dinner....? lol

This year, we are again going there; as well as the Horseman brothers. To these brothers who are both single, in their 40s, and like it that way, everyone in the town is connected to crime - either through drugs, or other illegal activity. It's quite humorous listening to their stories in their extremely LOUD, BOOMING voices. When you remember that these guys have maybe 50-70% of their hearing left after years around loud machinery, you give them most of the room. The acoustics in Kas's parents' house are pretty damn good. lol

So yes... this year, I have to warn my Dave. He's not used to a small town. Or having a second family like Kas's has been to me all these years. Heck, I have a great story about car shopping, but I don't want to jinx myself, so I'll wait to share that until after this coming Saturday when we go up. :) Once you read the story, you just know that there are still good and loving people in the world.

I will say this: while I look forward to spending Thanksgiving with Kas's family, I also look forward to seeing what will happen with Christmas.

I opened Pandora's box while I was sick and reconnected somewhat with my parents. We've mended the fences with a couple rolls of duct tape and are planning to spend Christmas with them. *wince* Yes, I know. After all the history... but hey, really does a second chance cost me any more stress? I already have my ideas of what to expect. Let's see if things live down to them as I think, or are better than I could hope for. Regardless, my main reason for accepting the invite was because I really sat and thought down one night a couple weeks ago....and realized that Alex, my little brother is 17 in November. He ain't so little anymore. He'll be leaving our parents' house when he's 18 (I would HOPE so) there's very little time left for a real family holiday for Alli to experience with him. I figure why not try? He's the only uncle she has and they adore each other. :) It doesn't hurt that he calls her a 'chick magnet'. LOL

Yep. Interesting times lie ahead.

I made some changes. Work is now... like FightClub. It's just not talked about.

We got up again, at 6am this morning and took a shower. My Dave printed out directions. I packed a few things in Alli's back pack to keep her busy while we were at the hospital and helped her to dress. It's the simple mommy things that kept me calm this morning.

Because of all the IVs I have had in my lifetime, I get a bit tetchy about people just coming randomly at me, looking to poke around for a good vein. My biggest fear this morning had nothing to do with being under anesthesia, or complications... Oh no. It was simply, "Oh God I hope they find a vein the first time."

Gods were smiling on me today; I'm sure my sister and my Dad were watching out for me a bit too.

Lab had already come in and drawn 4 vials for INR, Protime, CBC/platelets when I saw a familiar looking doctor walk by my room. I saw him cross again a few minutes later and wondered who he was.

Sure enough, he was the anesthesiologist, Dr. Tuuhi. He came back to visit to discuss the anesthesia (do you want to be knocked out with a breathing tube, or just under sedation) and I looked at him like a long lost best friend. "I KNOW YOU!" I practically screamed at him. He took a step back and said "I know you, too! I put an arterial line in your wrist, and one in your carotid!"

Yes. Funnily enough, Dr. Tuuhi is the SAME awesome anesthesiologist that I had been assigned 5 and a half years ago when they were prepping me for the emergency c-section that brought Alli into the world. I will always remember his kind, craggy face and the fact that he got two lines into one very scared, barely hydrated 22 year old woman - in less than 5 minutes and without complications. He was my HERO. And Fate was smiling at me today again. After discussing the anesthesia options, he asked if I had an IV in yet. Nope, not yet. He smiled and asked if I would like him to put one in - because he did obviously remember that I was a 'hard stick'. I breathed the biggest sigh of relief of the morning and thanked him. Within 2 minutes I had a perfectly fine IV site in, and I was 100% more at ease now with having the D&C. It's amazing what a difference an anesthesiologist makes.

And so...Dr. Ney came to visit, went over the information on what was being performed, opened the floor to any concerns. I told her I had none, and just was so thankful they were able to get me in so quickly. Dave coughed next to me and said he had a question. "I don't mean to sound crummy, but umm... when can we start trying again?" Dr. Ney and I smiled and laughed a bit - she said after I had one normal cycle of bleeding - whatever is normal for me which is 3-4 days. Dave coughed again and the nurse that was with Dr. Ney looked askance at me and Dr. Ney; "No, I think he wants to know when they can have SEX again, doc." Of course, in a room with poor, lonesome Dave, and 3 women and a little girl... we were just ROLLING! LOL I was laughing so hard I barely heard Dr. Ney's amused "2 weeks rest" comment. Ahhh.. really... it brought a tear to my eye I laughed so hard. *ROFL*

They left, the nurse wheeled me into the day surgery OR and that was about the last thing I remember before waking up in Recovery, seeing that I'd only been out for half an hour. Nice. Good nap. A nurse came over and asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink. I told her I was saving myself for Taco Bell (Dave has been a good food cop for the last couple months and although I've been begging for Taco Bell for much longer lol). I also made sure to tell her how impressed I was by the strides made in the mesh underwear design in the last 5 years, too. The nurse giggled and let me be.

My Dave and Alli came back to the Recovery room; I got dressed a little more slowly than usual. Really nothing more than a bit of cramping is all I felt then or am feeling now, luckily. An orderly showed up with a wheelchair for me, and the nurse, Emily from earlier, showed up with one for Alli. Of course, what 5 year old doesn't think that riding in a wheelchair is cool? Emily was kind enough to google for Taco Bell locations near where we live and made sure to get the directions to us. *L*

And out we were pushed to the car. Dave stopped on the way home at the Taco Bell nearest us and I just about got one of everything. As my friend Kathleen says, "Whatever you can't stuff in, always reheats later pretty okay."

We arrived home; Alli and I headed downstairs to eat lunch and watch the first Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. That movie, for some reason, always makes me feel better when I'm feeling crummy. :) So here we now sit, snacking on Taco Bell, watching one of my favorite movies, relaxing. I am still planning to head back to work on Monday. I really have no reason not to, unless there's some wild kind of complication or something. *shrugs* The last month has been me going to Hell in a Handbasket and I am finally feeling on the mend.

We got up at 6am this morning, took a shower and shoved Dave out of bed. Since he's been in 'code mode' for so long, he's been keeping later nights  - like until 3am - doing nothing but writing code, deploying code, quality checking code, trying to break things. Silly man. He got like 3 hours of sleep.

We made our way to MN Perinatal  Physicians in Edina. A nice, comfy office in a hulacious office building. Funnily enough, we weren't supposed to bring Alli - due to the other high risk women there and the stress children cause. (I don't get it - they are high risk and trying to have kids, but children stress them out? *L*)

I met the two techs, Jen, and Stacy, and they led me back to the transvaginal ultrasound room and viola! About 5 minutes and several pictures later mixed in with some conversation about 'damn it's cold!' under the sheet they were done and ready to send Dr. Saul in.

Dr. Saul from her credentials online that I could find is a perinatologist, is actually from California. A late 30's professional black woman that I liked from the first. She let me tell her everything I had experienced previously (first prego, miscarriage, Alli's birth), and what I felt was going on, and if she agreed, the fact that I would like to have a D&C performed at their earliest convenience. Not once did Dr. Saul look at me and go "You're too fat, you have too much wrong with you, and I can't help you." Which is what I have heard in the past from various family practice, OBGYNs, and numerous close-minded specialists. Dr. Saul is my hero.

So in walks Dr. Saul, we talk, and she agrees that 'this is not a normal pregnancy'. She is pleased with my positive pragmatism, and agrees to schedule a D&C as soon as they can - telling me it will more than likely be TOMORROW - as in Saturday! I was in such awe and just so appreciative. Seriously, if you've ever gone through a 'missed miscarriage' where you miscarry, but your body will not pass the embryo/tissue, it can be one of the most traumatic experiences of a woman's life. You keep thinking about the 'dead thing' in your body and how you weren't good enough to carry a baby to term and all that rot; when I miscarried the very first time the physicians in St. Louis, MO where we were living at the time, made me wait 2 weeks AFTER they confirmed the pregnancy had termed before performing the D&C.

Dr. Saul had the D&C on the books like lightning. Tomorrow morning at 8:30am I need to be at Abbott NW Hospital. Jan from the hospital called to make sure we had directions, made sure I wouldn't be eating or drinking after midnight, what medications I was on and all that fun stuff. I made sure to tell her I was a 'hard stick' - hard to find veins for IVs. Yes, tomorrow morning at 8:30am I will be squeezing my eyes shut...kinda sorta.... waiting for the prick of pain that the IV line going in always provides. Another reminder of human weakness, pain, and suffering in the quest for a better quality of life.

It'll be okay. I know this. More to come after recovery from anesthesia. :) Thanks for the emails and good thoughts from all who've sent them.

I knew it would probably happen.

This morning I was feeling funky and took a shower. Merry Maids came to clean which was nice. I still feel a bit less than human so it's hard enough just to concentrate to make my body take me to the bathroom to pee. But I digress...

So I take a shower and head downstairs. The Merry Maids are cleaning in the basement. I get something to eat, wait until they are done cleaning, and then take over the basement. I'm feeling a type of pressure...a crampy feeling. Ahhh yes. I see the light dawning in your eyes.

Sure enough, I head to the restroom after watching a bit of Food Network, and there's a nice swatch of red on the toilet paper. sigh.

I called for Dave to grab me a pad - his confused silence was comical as I explained to him, "Yes one of THOSE pads." *l*

Life goes on. Sure, I'm sad, but knowing how sick I've been and how my body is just trying to get back to being normal... I can understand why my body rejected the pregnancy at this time. Sometimes there are no good answers and you have to accept that now is not the right time for a baby. Soon though, Gods willing. *Smile*

So tomorrow morning we are heading to the OB visit. We still have the transvaginal ultrasound at 8am, and I'm fairly certain they'll have determined the termination has been completed. At 8:30am we see Dr. Saul and I'm sure at that point they might do some more blood work, and schedule a "D and C" if necessary. I know the very first pregnancy I had, I miscarried at 14 weeks and they had to do a D and C because my body would just not cooperate. At least this pregnancy only went on around 8 weeks instead of further agony and leading into the second trimester. I am all about positive right now - and if we get really, really lucky... maybe the next baby, Gods willing everything to be okay, will be cropping up in another 3 months. You never know. That should be plenty of time to heal.

Again... who knows what the future holds? I am woman, hear me roar. This too, shall pass. Have I missed any others? *l*

I talked to:

Tina from work tonight - she finally had a mental breakdown because of all the new systems they are throwing at us to know. But then she pulled herself back together, so no meds for her. lol

My mom tonight- just checking in.

My brother tonight- whoa. Who knew a 17 year old would have so much info to share with his big sister?

I did some ordering online - mom, Alex, and my step dad- Pops birthdays are all in the month of November. I ordered a flower arrangement for mom, a Slipknot hat and Nightmare Before Christmas t-shirt for Alex, and a leather business card thingamajig that's been monogrammed for Poppa. (They have their own salsa business, Mama's Salsa. YUM.)

Then, I figured Kathleen deserved flowers. I mean really - she's my bestest friend in the whole world and I know her husband just doesn't think that flowers are even worth the purchase. So I got her a really nice purple bouquet of smelly flowers and thanked her. :)

And then, my friend Becki was released from the hospital today supposedly. I talked to her yesterday- she went in on Monday for laparoscopic bariatric surgery. Yep. She's going for the weight loss surgery. So I thought it would be nice to order flowers for her for Friday so she would know we were thinking of her. The thing that bugs me is that her family is going to be in town. I don't know about you but it's kinda awkward I would think.... I mean, do we drop on by and visit, or wait until her family is gone and she really needs us? I know she is really needing percocet right now! *L*

I haven't had any Vicodin since about 7pm last night. I still feel sick and queasy. I'm still starving. I want my LIFE back. Stupidhead drugs.

They called to confirm for the Perinatology appt on Friday morning bright and freaking early at 8am for the transvaginal ultrasound - you know, that wand thing they just uhhh.... errr... stick on up in your va jajay? We'll see if they can hear a fetal heartbeat. Cross your fingers and toes for us. :)

It's also one day closer to returning to work. I'm not too happy about that, but I'm tired of being BORED. I feel like I want to drill out holes in my cranium and decorate them with flowers or something. Ughsh. I was so bored, I went to mugglenet.com and borrowed a picture from Harry Potter and the OOTP - it shows the group of "Dumbledore's Army". It's so COOL. I played around with it this morning and made it into my laptop desktop and sent it off to Kas. I'm so lonely, bored, and just plain... I dunno. I think my brains are MUSH!